And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
