she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
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You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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