so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
