Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
