So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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