I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Pooping to opera.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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