I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
