Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
