I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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