mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
