highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
try to milk me bitch
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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