Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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