I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
