Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
