peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
