Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
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