No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
