respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
