Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
