i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
