i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
