At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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