Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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