How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
