its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize