Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
