my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
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Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
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She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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