dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
