Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
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