can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
