i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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