I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
