It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
