and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Randomize
