she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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