Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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