ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
