I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
