Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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