I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
