I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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