woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
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So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
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she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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