I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
