I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
