What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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