new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
