kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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