my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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