Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
