He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
