Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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