I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
