textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
