my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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