i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
