lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
