you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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