My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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