This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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