Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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